1
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,000
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,400
Okay, Rebecca, uh,
here's the deal.
3
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:11,900
I'll paint the whole office,
4
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:15,700
including woodwork,
and, uh, it'll run you...
5
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,000
400.
6
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,000
400 bucks sounds reasonable.
7
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:21,400
Oh, no, that's 400 beers.
8
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:24,800
The "B" with the slanty
line through it....
9
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:26,500
It's kind of my own
special currency.
10
00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:30,100
It's a deal.
11
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:31,800
Oh, and, Norm, remember--
12
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:33,500
this time Sam wants
something really simple.
13
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,200
Oh, yeah. I've got
some, some choices here.
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Um, I've got sand white,
15
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uh, ivory white,
16
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off-white,
17
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Navajo white...
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00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:43,900
They all look just alike.
19
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Well, they're different.
Are you sure?
20
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,400
Well, yeah. Of
course I'm sure.
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What do you think?
22
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I'm trying to push
one color on you?
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I mean, I resent that, Rebecca.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
25
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,200
No, that one's
fine, right there.
26
00:00:54,300 --> 00:00:55,500
Oh, cream white.
Mm-hmm.
27
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Excellent choice.
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And, as luck would have it,
29
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I happen to have 42 gallons
of it in my garage.
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(theme song begins)
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� Making your way
in the world today �
32
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� Takes everything you've got �
33
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,000
� Taking a break
from all your worries �
34
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:19,500
� Sure would help a lot
35
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,400
� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �
36
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,300
� Sometimes you want to go
37
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:31,100
� Where everybody
knows your name �
38
00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:37,200
� And they're always
glad you came �
39
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:39,100
� You wanna be
where you can see �
40
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,200
� Our troubles
are all the same �
41
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:46,500
� You wanna be where
everybody knows your name �
42
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,700
� You wanna go
where people know �
43
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:52,500
� People are all the same
44
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:56,700
� You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. �
45
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,600
Well, good morning, Sam.
46
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Yeah? What's good about it?
47
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Well, you have your health,
a good business, and friends
48
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,100
who put up with your
violent mood swings.
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00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:28,800
Yeah. I'm sorry.
50
00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:30,300
It's just...
I got some bad news.
51
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,600
You guys all remember the
Miss Boston Barmaid contest?
52
00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:35,000
Oh, yeah.
53
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:36,000
That's the annual contest
54
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,600
where they try to
find the most talented
55
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,200
and efficient
waitress in Boston,
56
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:40,800
which-- surprise,
surprise--
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00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,800
always turns out to be the babe
with the biggest honeydews.
58
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,300
Right. Well, this year
they're holding it at Cheers.
59
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,700
All right!
All right!
60
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,100
No, no, no, no. No,
It's not what you think.
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00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,100
They changed all
the categories here.
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00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:55,900
Listen to this-- speed,
efficiency, memorization,
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00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,400
personal warmth, courtesy.
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00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:01,400
I mean, it's like bra size
doesn't even exist anymore!
65
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,500
Well, Sam, they're just
trying to keep pace
66
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,100
with the current
social enlightenment.
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00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,400
I mean, how would you like
to be judged solely
68
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:11,900
on the basis of your looks
and your body alone?
69
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,000
I'd love it. I'd win.
70
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:15,700
The whole contest
71
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,000
has gone to hell.
72
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,700
I mean, believe me, I-I,
I really presented my case
73
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,000
to the contest committee.
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00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,200
See, I made a graph here.
75
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:24,800
Look at this. Now, these
the bust measurements
76
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,600
of all the winners
77
00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:28,400
since 1976,
and almost
78
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,700
to a woman, they're over a 38.
79
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:32,800
What's this one that
dips way down here?
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00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:35,200
Uh, that's the year Diane won.
81
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:40,800
It's no good.
It's just no good at all.
82
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,900
I think I'm gonna
write my councilman.
83
00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:44,500
Oh, what am I talking about?!
84
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,500
My councilman's a babe, too!
85
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,600
God, the whole world's
crowding in on me!
86
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,700
Carla, you gonna try out
for this contest?
87
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,500
I don't think so.
Well, you heard Sam.
88
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,700
It's not about
looks this year.
89
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:02,900
Thank you, Woody.
You should
90
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:03,700
do it, Carla.
91
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:04,500
Look, I know
92
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,600
I'm a good waitress.
93
00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:07,100
I don't need
some obnoxious dork
94
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,000
in a cheap suit
telling me I'm the best.
95
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,000
But you are the best.
96
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:11,800
I just said I
didn't need that.
97
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,800
Besides, even if I did win,
what would I get?
98
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,900
A lousy ten bucks
and a handshake?
Well,
99
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,100
it says here you get
a brand new Mazda Miata.
100
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,200
Get out of town.
101
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,800
Just for doing my job?
102
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:27,500
Mm-hmm.
103
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,900
Oh...
104
00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:31,400
I'm gonna get myself this Miata.
105
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:32,500
All right.
106
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:33,500
Yeah.
107
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,700
Uh! Uh-oh. Snag.
108
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,400
What about warmth,
personal courtesy?
109
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:43,600
What about me shoving this
brochure up your nose?
110
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,300
You're a shoo-in.
111
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,400
I couldn't help but notice,
for the last couple of days
112
00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,500
you have just been sitting
here doing nothing.
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00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,900
Hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
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00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,200
Obviously, we haven't met.
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00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,500
This really bothers me.
116
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,600
Why?
117
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:06,200
Because, because you
have a job to do
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00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,700
and instead, you
are just sitting here
119
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,000
talking to Cliff all day long.
120
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,800
I mean, you're
not even trying.
121
00:05:10,900 --> 00:05:12,700
Rebecca, do you get Cheers?
122
00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:14,700
I mean, do you
understand the concept?
123
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:20,700
I want to see some work
by the end of today.
124
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,400
If you can't get the job done,
I will hire a professional.
125
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,700
Oddly enough, that's what
Vera said on our honeymoon.
126
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,000
So, uh, how're you
gonna get out of this one?
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00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,400
Relax, Cliffy,
128
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,300
I got it covered.
129
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,800
I have a new
industrial paint sprayer.
130
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,600
Gets the job done
in a couple of hours.
131
00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:39,700
Very clever.
132
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:40,600
Mm-hmm.
133
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,200
It was invented
by the Japanese
134
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,700
so they could paint, you know,
more efficiently and quickly.
135
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:46,500
Whereas you will use it
to drink more beers,
136
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,900
watch more TV,
and put off everything
137
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,000
until the very last minute.
138
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:50,800
Right. You see,
they're way ahead of us
139
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:53,800
in technology, but they don't
have our creativity.
140
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,100
Hey, Doc, how do you think
I look for the contest?
141
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:02,500
Well, my goodness, Carla,
that is a jaunty bow!
142
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,600
Yeah.
143
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:06,100
Where did you get it?
144
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,300
Well...
145
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,300
the first job
I ever had was, uh,
146
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,400
at this greasy spoon
when I was 15.
147
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:15,600
There was this old waitress
there, named Cora.
148
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:17,700
She taught me everything
I know about waiting tables.
149
00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:20,800
Anyway, on, uh, her last day,
150
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:23,900
the day they were carting her
off to the nursing home,
151
00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:26,100
she gave me this bow.
152
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,700
She told me
to wear it with pride
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00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:31,600
because being a waitress
is a wonderful thing.
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00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,100
Carla, that's quite a story.
155
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:36,200
Now, if the judges
are as sappy as you,
156
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,400
I get me a new car!
157
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:38,800
(laughing)
158
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:41,700
Carla.
159
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:42,700
(clears throat)
160
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,200
Honey, I just want you to know
161
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:48,000
that I've got some... moral
problems with this contest.
162
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:51,600
It's not gonna get in the way
of me hoping you win.
163
00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:52,700
Yeah. Well,
thanks, Sam.
Yeah.
164
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,300
Now, would you give me
my button over there?
165
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,300
Oh.
166
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,500
Here. "My name's Carla
and I love your smile."
167
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,000
(chuckles):
Here.
168
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,200
Boy, you're really prepared
to go all the way for this.
169
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:04,200
Yeah. I got a button
that says that, too.
170
00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:05,600
Think I should wear it?
171
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,600
No, no. I'd stick
with the smile thing.
172
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:08,900
Right.
173
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,100
Could I have some service?
174
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:11,200
Coming!
175
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,400
Hi. I'll be
your waitress today.
176
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,000
How may I serve you?
177
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:19,500
I want a martini.
178
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,600
Dry. D-R-Y.
179
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:23,400
And that means
180
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:24,700
light on the vermouth.
181
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,500
And I want a twist,
not an olive.
182
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:27,700
Very well, sir.
183
00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:29,200
Uh, uh, read
that back to me.
184
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,700
I don't want any mistakes.
185
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:35,100
One martini, very dry.
186
00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:36,500
You forgot the twist.
187
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,400
Twist it is.
188
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,400
I'll twist his big ears off.
189
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,700
Take it easy, take it easy.
190
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,800
He wants a very dry
martini with a twist.
191
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,500
What'd you do that for?
192
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,200
It's nothing personal.
193
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,200
I was just
letting off steam.
194
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,600
Then why don't you
push Norm off his stool?
195
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,400
You don't know much
about physics, do you?
196
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:10,900
Don't forget the twist!
197
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:11,700
Let me see my brochure.
198
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,500
I gotta get a look at my car.
199
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,200
Oh...
200
00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:18,500
Yes.
(laughs)
201
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:19,600
Oh, it's worth it.
202
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,100
It's worth it.
Yeah.
203
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,800
Carla, this must've
fallen out of your folder.
204
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,300
It says "List of Judges."
205
00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:27,000
Are you kidding?
206
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:30,000
That's supposed
to be top secret.
207
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,300
Oh, my God.
208
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,900
This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
209
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,100
I'm gonna know who they are.
210
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,600
Now all I have to do is
kiss up to the squids
211
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,200
on that list and I'll
be driving home
212
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:40,500
in a nice, new convertible.
213
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:41,800
All right.
214
00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:43,200
Who are they, Woody?
215
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,500
David Murphy, Cliff Clavin
216
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:46,800
and Frank Smith.
217
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,500
(yells)
218
00:08:57,500 --> 00:08:59,500
Now, who is Frank Smith,
219
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,500
and why is Carla so mad at him?
220
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,900
And now, on top
of everything else,
221
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,800
I've got this huge
headache outta nowhere.
222
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,800
They picked Clavin
to be a judge.
223
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:22,800
What could they
have been thinking of?
224
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:25,900
Aw, they probably
want someone, you know,
225
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,200
with lot of bar experience,
226
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,500
and he has been hanging
around here a lot, you know.
227
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:30,600
Yeah, well, so's Norm.
228
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:31,900
Why didn't they pick you, Norm?
229
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,900
Well, maybe they did.
230
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,800
I haven't opened
my mail in a while.
231
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:39,200
Once my Unemployment ran out,
all the incentive was gone.
232
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,100
No doubt about it,
233
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,500
these things were a
lot easier on all of us
234
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:47,100
when they were
just bimbo contests.
235
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,500
You know, if this...
236
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,800
this is the new age
of enlightenment,
237
00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:53,200
why, why does it
hurt so many people?
238
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,700
Norm, I gotta
ask you a question.
239
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:01,900
All right.
240
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:03,100
You know, over the years,
241
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,300
I've been pretty
bad to Clavin.
Mmm.
242
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,700
And I've done
some things that...
243
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,500
maybe I shouldn't have.
244
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,500
Mm-hmm.
Called him names.
245
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,500
Punctured his tires.
246
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,100
Set fire to his hair.
247
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,400
What's the question?
248
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,500
Do you think he noticed?
249
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:18,900
(snorts)
250
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,000
You made this guy
eat a bug once.
251
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:25,500
Come on, that's a birthday
the guy's never gonna forget.
252
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,600
Okay, I'll send
him flowers.
253
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,200
Carla, that bug laid
eggs in his stomach.
254
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:34,000
Yeah. That was
kind of a bonus.
255
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,000
Oh... God.
256
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:39,300
I might as well just
chop this phony bow.
257
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:40,500
Aww.
258
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,500
You're right, Norm.
It's hopeless.
259
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,700
I'm never gonna win anything.
260
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,200
Come on.
No, really.
261
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:47,200
You know, I thought
it was my turn.
262
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:49,200
I thought that,
for once in my life,
263
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,500
I was gonna be recognized
264
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,900
for being the best
at what I do.
265
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:55,700
Now, because of Clavin,
I don't even get the chance.
266
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,600
All right, well, why
don't you try this?
267
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,400
Actually be nice to Cliff.
268
00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,200
Listen to his stories.
269
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:04,200
Treat him like a friend.
270
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:05,500
(laughs):
I'm sorry.
271
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:08,500
It's the beer talking.
272
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,800
Well, that, uh, Paul,
in a nutshell,
273
00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:12,800
is the history
of Western civilization.
274
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:16,500
You were right
to come to me.
275
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:17,800
I didn't come to you, Cliff.
276
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:20,400
I was, uh, waiting
to use the phone.
277
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:25,900
Go on, Cliff.
278
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:27,100
I'm listening.
279
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,500
I'm interested
in Western civilization.
280
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,500
You all right, Carla?
281
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:33,800
Beat it, lard butt!
282
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:38,100
Thank God. I thought
I was hallucinating.
283
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,000
Interested, huh?
284
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,400
Oh, yeah!
That's funny.
285
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,500
You, uh, you never
listened to me before.
286
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:48,200
I listen to you
all the time, Cliff.
287
00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:50,100
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
288
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,600
I often go home
and tell the kids
289
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,500
about this very,
very smart man at work.
290
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,200
Why are you so mean
to me all the time?
291
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,900
Mean?
292
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,700
Well, like when you knocked me
off that stool.
293
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:06,300
Knocked... Oh, no!
294
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,400
Oh, no, that was just
an affectionate nudge,
295
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:12,200
you, you old silly billy.
296
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,500
Well, that, that did sort
of hurt my back
297
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:24,900
a little bit.
Oh...
298
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:29,100
You know, I wondered if you
might... Uh, no, never mind.
299
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:30,200
I could never ask you.
300
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,100
Oh, no, Cliff.
301
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,700
Uh, would you like me to get you
something for your back?
302
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,600
Some, uh, heating pad
or some Doan's Pills?
303
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:39,800
Well, well,
you know a little,
304
00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:43,100
uh, back rub might help
a little.
305
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,300
Wouldn't you rather have
a heating pad
306
00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:47,300
or some Doan's Pills?
307
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:50,300
Right there between
the, uh, scapuli.
308
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,600
Why, uh, sure.
309
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:07,100
Oh, that feels good.
310
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,600
Ah! You know, Carla,
what the heck.
311
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,200
I'll just take off my shirt
312
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,400
and you can come in
the office with me
313
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:16,800
and really knead
the flesh.
314
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:22,000
(makes tire squealing sound)
315
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:29,100
Okay. But if I'm not out
of there in 15 minutes,
316
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,400
nail that door shut,
call my kids
317
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:34,200
and tell them I died
in a hideous explosion.
318
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,700
I wouldn't want them
to know the truth.
319
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:42,900
(sighs)
320
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:46,000
How's that painting job
coming along, Norm?
321
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,700
Ah, swear to God,
322
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,800
I would be in there painting
this very moment,
323
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:51,100
but, uh, Carla's using the room.
324
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:52,300
She's giving Cliff a massage.
325
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,000
Oh, please!
326
00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:59,000
Give me a break.
327
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:02,000
Oh, dear.
328
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:05,600
See?
329
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:08,400
Yes, I see.
330
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,500
Now if you could just get
the rest of that office
331
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,100
half as white as Cliff's
upper body, I'd be happy.
332
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:17,500
Woody, a beer for Cliff, please.
333
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:19,300
And, uh,
334
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:24,300
I have to get, four,
five, six pretzels
335
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:28,300
with the salt brushed off
just one side.
336
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:36,300
(sobbing):
I touched his skin!
337
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,700
Oh, horror, horror!
338
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:46,800
You might pretend
it's something less repulsive.
339
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:54,300
Less, less repulsive than
340
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,300
Cliff's naked back?
341
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,700
Oh! You mean
like a dead animal
342
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,400
lying on the side
of the road
343
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,600
squirming with maggots?
344
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,800
Precisely. Visualize.
345
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:10,300
Visualize!
346
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:11,500
Yeah!
347
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,200
I think that can work.
348
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,100
Thanks, Doc.
349
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,800
It's only maggots.
350
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:17,900
It's only maggots.
351
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:21,500
Boy, that Carla sure is smart,
352
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,900
buttering up to Mr. Clavin
so she'll win.
353
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,300
Wish I'd had those smarts
354
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:28,500
when I was doing the county fair
circuit with my hog Maribelle.
355
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:31,300
Rule number one:
you got to schmooze.
356
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,400
You gotta go
to the right parties.
357
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,100
You gotta sell out.
358
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,000
I wouldn't.
359
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,500
So I brought Maribelle home
a loser.
360
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:41,600
It broke my heart.
361
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,800
How was Maribelle?
362
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:46,000
Not bad with applesauce.
363
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,400
Carla, you've really got
strong, peasant hands.
364
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,400
Thank you, Cliff.
365
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:02,300
It's really quite
a refreshing change,
366
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,400
you being nice
to me all of a sudden.
367
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,700
It's not all of a sudden.
368
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,600
It's like when
you're in third grade
369
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:14,400
when you tease the boy
you secretly like the most.
370
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:19,300
You mean the whole third grade
secretly liked me?
371
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:23,200
Forget it.
372
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:27,400
Wait a minute, Carla, are you
trying to say you like me?
373
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:31,000
Well...
374
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,100
Oh, come on, don't be shy.
375
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,200
Say it.
376
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,400
Say it so
the guys can hear it.
377
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,700
I like you.
378
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:43,800
I said it.
379
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,900
Doc, I feel like
I'm gonna explode.
380
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:48,900
What should I do?
381
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,000
Find some way to
release the tension.
382
00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:52,100
Good thinking.
383
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,300
Oh! Oh!
384
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,000
Oh, thank you.
I feel a lot better. Thank you.
385
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,400
Carla,
386
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,200
you know, you did such a good
job with the back rub,
387
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,900
now my feet are jealous.
388
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,800
Allow me.
389
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:23,900
I rubbed his feet.
I rubbed his feet!
390
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,800
Carla, Carla,
Carla, come on.
Cut it out.
391
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:27,400
You've been washing
your hands with kerosene
392
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:29,300
for half an hour.
They're clean!
393
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:30,600
No, not yet, Sam.
394
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:33,100
Get me a match.
395
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,000
Carla, it couldn't have been
that bad.
396
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:37,200
Like hell.
397
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,500
I didn't look,
398
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,500
but I'm sure I felt six toes
on his left foot.
399
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,700
If the judges will please come
forward and the contestants
400
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,000
will take their places,
401
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,000
we're ready to begin
402
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:53,900
the 53rd Annual Miss Boston
Barmaid Contest.
403
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,200
Uh, uh, I'll be right there.
404
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:58,100
I'm just gonna go get
the other judge.
405
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,300
What other judge?
406
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:00,600
Cliff Clavin.
407
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,500
Sorry. I don't know
a Cliff Clavin.
408
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:06,900
Well, what, what about this?
409
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:09,100
Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
410
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,300
That's not official.
411
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,200
Someone must be
having fun with you.
412
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:17,200
Hey, uh, Carla,
413
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:20,100
you still got
that little brush?
414
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,800
Uh, you left a couple
of crumbs on my mustache.
415
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:29,300
You know, Cliff, uh, I think
416
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,300
you, uh, ought
to keep those crumbs.
417
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,700
They're gonna need 'em
to identify your body.
418
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,000
You set me up!
419
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:38,200
You put your name
on that list
420
00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:40,300
just so that I would
be nice to you!
421
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:42,200
EMCEE:
Contestant number one?
422
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:46,600
(sweetly):
Yes?
423
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,600
If you'll take your place
424
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,300
with the other contestants
we can begin.
425
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:51,700
(groans)
426
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,100
I have to go be in
the contest now, Cliff.
427
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:57,100
Why don't you make
your peace with God?
428
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,400
Are you nuts?!
429
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,900
Did you think you were gonna
actually get away with that?
430
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,800
You know you're dead
now, don't you?
431
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:07,800
Eh, I know, Norm.
432
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,000
Some men have a mission.
433
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,700
Uh, guys climb Mount Everest.
434
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,900
Other guys walk on the moon.
435
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:15,500
Yeah, either of those
would be a pretty good
436
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,000
hiding place for
you right now.
437
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,000
I topped them all, yessiree.
438
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,600
I had Carla rub my bare feet.
439
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:23,400
I'm gonna have that etched
on my tombstone.
440
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:26,000
You can start working
on it just about now.
441
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,300
Contestant number one,
you're first.
442
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:33,500
Our first category will be speed
followed by memorization,
443
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:34,500
personal warmth,
444
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,900
courtesy
and drink knowledge.
445
00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:39,600
SAM (high voice):
What about the bikini round?
446
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,400
We're well aware
of your views, Mr. Malone.
447
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,900
And now let the contest begin.
448
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:52,500
EMCEE:
Thank you.
Very nicely done.
449
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,300
That concludes our competition.
450
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,800
As the judges tally their votes,
451
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:58,400
let's have a big round
of applause
452
00:20:58,500 --> 00:20:59,700
for all of our contestants.
453
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:04,700
Sammy,
You did great.
454
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,800
oh, Sammy, I've really
got a shot at this.
455
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:07,500
Yeah.
456
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:08,900
You know, I hate to admit it,
457
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,800
but I think it might be
because of you, Clavin.
458
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:12,100
What do you mean?
459
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:15,100
Well, I took all that energy
I was gonna use to kill you,
460
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,900
and I put it into doing
the best job I could.
461
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:18,900
Oh, yeah, yeah, well,
462
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,500
then my secret strategy
worked, huh?
463
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,100
Well, I hope you
enjoy the car, Carla.
464
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,100
And, uh, just remember who
made it all possible.
465
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,100
EMCEE:
If the contestants
will please be seated.
466
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,200
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.
467
00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:32,700
Oh, it's me, it's me,
it's me, I feel it!
468
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:36,700
The proud owner of a brand-new
1991 convertible,
469
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,400
and our new Miss Boston Barmaid
is...
470
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,500
Miss Shawnee Wilson!
471
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:49,000
But she spilled all the drinks.
472
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:50,700
Who cares? Look at her.
473
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:52,500
I won! I won!
I won!
474
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,300
I won! I won! I won!
475
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:55,900
No, no, you won!
476
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,300
I won! I won!
I won!
477
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:04,200
And let's not forget
our Miss Congeniality award.
478
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:08,100
It goes to contestant number
one, Cheers' own Carla.
479
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:13,500
That's quite a big trophy, miss.
480
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,100
I hope you have room for it.
481
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,800
I'll make room.
482
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,600
Mr. Mailman!
483
00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:21,200
Oh, look out!
484
00:22:27,900 --> 00:22:30,500
I'm so happy you
won that contest.
485
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,300
You know, it just shows
486
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:33,900
that the world
hasn't gone crazy.
487
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,800
That, you know,
deep, deep inside,
488
00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:38,600
people are basically good.
489
00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:42,000
That they can see
through the rules
and the regulations,
490
00:22:42,100 --> 00:22:44,700
you know, and pick out
the inner diamond.
491
00:22:44,700 --> 00:22:46,500
I won the shiny red car.
492
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,800
I know you did, honey!
493
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,600
Woody, where's Norm?
494
00:22:52,700 --> 00:22:53,900
Is he in the bathroom?
495
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,300
No.
496
00:22:55,300 --> 00:22:56,400
Is he putting money
in the meter?
497
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,500
No.
498
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,900
Don't tell me he is actually...
499
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,400
(bang, hissing sound)
500
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:04,500
NORM:
Whoa!
501
00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:07,400
(hissing stops)
502
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,200
Relax.
503
00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:17,300
It-it-it dries much lighter.